go and tell

all right, so the reason i started this blog in the first place... my summer project with keynote is rapidly approaching! six days from now, i'll be checking into the marriott extended stay and meeting the people i'll be spending the next seven weeks with. i'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now about that. first, obviously, i'm incredibly excited. like, i get to spend the summer playing music and talking about the ways jesus has rocked my life. uh, OKAY! ... and that is really the dominating emotion. my less-excited feelings have to do with my own insecurities, i guess we could call them. financially, musically, spiritually.

on the whole, support raising has been good. definitely stretching. and sometimes i feel like god is playing with me a little. like, not hearing anything for a week, then getting a big check in the mail. what the heck? i have been able to raise all but $575. which obviously leaves something to be desired. and i hate heckling people for money. but i'm gonna write a few more notes this week and see how i'm surprised next. so... if you or anyone you know would like to help me out, let me know...

musically? well, besides the half-fear that people will figure out that i can't ACTUALLY play guitar that well, i guess i'm concerned about needing to learn 11 songs in the next 6 days (yep, only 4 down). but that's on me. ironically (yet fittingly) i'll be playing a LOT of music this weekend... doing worship in both gracemain and access this weekend. i should probably be stressed out that i'll be busy the whole weekend before project, but i'm actually pretty into it. i'm excited that i get a chance to lead once before leaving.

spiritually has been the hardest part. and i don't really know how to voice it. since i'm embarking on such a cool project that is ENTIRELY about spirituality, i thought i would just be in a better place coming into it. but honestly, i'm not. you might call it a dry spell. and i've been nagging god asking why. and i'm getting the sense that it just has a lot to do with a lot of shame that i'm carrying around. i've done a lot of stuff i'm not proud of in the last few years in particular, and rather than feeling better with all the passing time, i just keep feeling like more of a failure. put that clearly... it's easy to see how that could come between me and god. the bible tells me that he is faithful to forgive when we confess, which i have done to him and others, and that nothing, nothing could come between me and his love for me. so what i'm working through is how to forgive myself. but. i trust him. he's brought me through so much... this too will pass.

but really, the same events that caused this shame are the ones that propelled me on this project. i was IN DEEP, my friends, in really destructive cycles. god's brought me out of so much... my self-medicating with physical pain. a destructive relationship that left me beyond wrung out and broken. a five-year season of dark depression. as i was reflecting on this last fall, i felt god stir in my heart and tell me, almost clearly, "go and tell what i have done for you." and when god talks to you like that, the only answer is yes. that, combined with a lot of other small experiences and leadings, got me to the place i'm at today: ready to "leave" for project so soon.

so... i guess this reads like a kind of inventory of myself. a status update. (the REAL kind, not like facebook.) where i'm going, where i've been, my feelings, my doubts, my excitement, and my purpose. it's that feeling of purpose that has permeated this entire process. something great is in store for this summer. i can't tell you what it is; no one has told me yet. but. i can't wait to see what happens. wish me luck as the adventure begins! send your prayers. great adventures are in store!

oh, and if you have $575, let's talk.