forgiveness

i think i've been in this westfield house too long. this morning, at 3:25 am, i'm fighting battles i fought in high school... a respiratory infection woke me up, but the unease in my heart kept me up.

and as hard as i've worked to deny it, i just can't anymore; i'm still the walking wounded. yes, i've experienced healing in so many ways: i've experienced deep joy in nearly every area of my life; i've learned new, healthier ways of relating to men; and god has mercifully allowed me to block out many of the painful memories i have of this town. but occasionally, like an old accuser whispering "remember when?" in my ear, some of the sadness comes back. and i know that this too is the mercy of god. i often forget the sheer depth of the misery i experienced in my senior year of high school... which is to forget what god has rescued me from. i know now that it is good to know my scars from time to time... or, as is somewhat of my mantra these days, "I bear on my body the marks of His grace." i do. god has been gracious with me.

and i must be gracious.

this is where i struggle. i see now why jesus did not permit us as his followers to judge others... it's because we do not, could not possibly have enough love for the job. if i were put in front of the perpetrator of all this, i too would accuse. i would accuse of unlove, of abandonment, of manipulation, of lying, of unfaithfulness. there were too many nights i was left alone. and like bitter pills parables come to me... the man who hired workers at various points in the day is the most poignant. "are you angry because i am a generous man?" i hear god asking. and i know that he loves everyone just as much as he loves me. frankly, it's almost easier to believe that he doesn't love any of us. my heart is so hard. forgiveness, it would seem, is not a one-time event, but a bitter decision made every day. if it were easy, logical, or natural, jesus would not have had to command us to forgive. but forgiveness is difficult and counterintuitive and absurd.

this issue is complicated for me because it's been somewhat perverted in my life in the past. "don't you forgive me?" has been used as a weapon to manipulate me, to keep me in contact with people i should have just run from, to minimize the wrongs committed against me. but god's command to forgive was not meant to be used to authenticate abuse. years later, i'm forced to think through... what does forgiveness look like when the debtors are already out of our lives? when they are not asking for it? when they may be completely indifferent to it? what does it look like to offer forgiveness but not be taken advantage of?

well, it doesn't take a very close look at my life to see that i myself am in desperate, desperate need of god's forgiveness. as time goes on, rather than feeling holier and more morally upright than ever, i just seem to become more deeply acquainted with the depth of my own shortcomings.

it quickly becomes obvious that i am incredibly lucky that god is a generous man.

show me how to love like you have loved me.