I'm currently enjoying a few minutes of peace at this gorgeous home in North Carolina. I got to sleep in til after 10 today... yeah, my mind is pretty much blown. Such a blessing. This week has been a little tiring, but with some incredibly cool moments.
This Monday, I had a few really significant conversations at a camp for delinquent youth called Broken Shackle Ranch. Got to talk with a guy named Corey, who described his journey as "the rough life"... but he didn't want things to stay that way. He told me he was trying to fix up his life by reading his Bible and attending church services. I asked him... had he ever had a moment where he invited Jesus into his life, into the mess? The answer was no... Corey was trying to do all the right stuff, but didn't know Christ in a personal way. I asked, and he was willing to go through the KGP booklet with me. As I was explaining eternal life to him as knowing God, and the punishment for our sin as being separation from God, he said, "yeah, that would be worse than death." It was so evident that he was hungry for Him. When I asked if he wanted to pray at the end, said “Yeah, I NEED this in my life. I need it bad.” Corey invited Christ into his life... and things are not gonna be the same for him. Praise God.
After Corey and I talked a little more about getting started knowing God, he left, and I talked a bit with a guy named Ronnie. Ronnie knew Jesus, but life had been hard. He opened up to me about all the anger he had in his life-understandable anger. His mom and her boyfriend beat him growing up, and his aunt and uncle took him away from her about 9 years ago, and he hasn't seen his father or little brother since. It broke his heart. He was upset with his aunt and uncle for not letting him see them, and for not listening when he talked about spiritual things. And Ronnie told me how he was often discouraged about living life Jesus's way. He told me that he sometimes wondered what it would be like to try drugs, alcohol, other stuff he knew he shouldn't, knowing that God would take him back after everything. I took the moment to tell him that I'd known Jesus for a long time, but had broken away in high school to try my own thing. And that it had ended up really breaking my heart, and I still have to live with the effects of that time. I prayed for him... then I had to take off. It just blows my mind how some people younger than I am have been through so much.
I just can't get over how hungry people are for Him. It breaks my heart. I had one short interaction that really haunts me. It was as a guy was needing to leave a facility, so he only had the opportunity to point to his Bible, telling me, "I KNOW God, but I don't KNOW Him, you know? I need this. I need to." He had the most fervent, desperate look in his eyes. Then the correctional officer called him away.
I didn't even catch that guy's name.
It's hard to watch. Like, so much great stuff is happening, and so many people are meeting Him. But for all the ones that do, there are so many that don't... that either don't want to, or don't know how. Sharing in God's work is sharing in His joy and His heartbreak, I guess.
.... I am gonna need some serious process time after this summer.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
on the road
Down in the panhandle of Florida, we Young Isaac-ers have just been BLOWN AWAY by all that God has done in the last five days! He has so far surpassed all our expectations!! We’ve played 9 shows in 5 different prisons, and have had such an unbelievable response from the inmates at every location. These guys are just STARVING for the new life and hope that Jesus offers. Despite sick singers, stickler security guards, shows in 100% humidity and 100 degree heat, and the general atmosphere of oppression that hangs over these institutions, Christ has claimed 95 hearts for himself. And beyond that, we’ve had a huge number of men request more information about knowing God, and have had countless conversations with inmates that are still wrestling with, yet intrigued by Him.
We’ve noticed a recurring theme in our conversations with these men: the feeling that their lives are not yet presentable to God, that they have to clean up their act before falling at his feet. One comment card read, “Does God save prisoners? Do we even deserve it?” What a privilege it is to be the one to break the good news that Christ’s love transcends who we are right now; we don’t “fix” our lives before coming to Him, but rather, we invite Him into the mess and heartbreak… then HE is the one who changes our lives! I had one special conversation with a guy my age named James. I asked him what was holding him back from giving his life to Jesus, and he told me that he didn’t want to “make a decision I couldn’t follow through on.” He was scared of giving his life to Jesus and then failing later. I promptly informed him that I’ve been following Jesus for 17 years and that I still fail on a pretty regular basis, but I told him some of my story, and my similar struggle with inviting God into the messy parts of my life. One thing led to another and I ended up getting to go through the KGP booklet with him, and at the end James invited Jesus into his life—as did Joey, the guy in front of us who had eavesdropped on the whole conversation!
This is just one little story from all that we’ve experienced this week. Please join with us in praising God for the incredible work He’s doing here! Also, a prayer request – there is some sickness sweeping through our band, particularly among vocalists (yeah, go figure). And as great as Adam is at stepping in to do background vocals… we’d love to be back at 100% soon ☺
Love and peace!
We’ve noticed a recurring theme in our conversations with these men: the feeling that their lives are not yet presentable to God, that they have to clean up their act before falling at his feet. One comment card read, “Does God save prisoners? Do we even deserve it?” What a privilege it is to be the one to break the good news that Christ’s love transcends who we are right now; we don’t “fix” our lives before coming to Him, but rather, we invite Him into the mess and heartbreak… then HE is the one who changes our lives! I had one special conversation with a guy my age named James. I asked him what was holding him back from giving his life to Jesus, and he told me that he didn’t want to “make a decision I couldn’t follow through on.” He was scared of giving his life to Jesus and then failing later. I promptly informed him that I’ve been following Jesus for 17 years and that I still fail on a pretty regular basis, but I told him some of my story, and my similar struggle with inviting God into the messy parts of my life. One thing led to another and I ended up getting to go through the KGP booklet with him, and at the end James invited Jesus into his life—as did Joey, the guy in front of us who had eavesdropped on the whole conversation!
This is just one little story from all that we’ve experienced this week. Please join with us in praising God for the incredible work He’s doing here! Also, a prayer request – there is some sickness sweeping through our band, particularly among vocalists (yeah, go figure). And as great as Adam is at stepping in to do background vocals… we’d love to be back at 100% soon ☺
Love and peace!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
"Immediate response is the mood of the kingdom.
"...Most of us postpone a decision hoping that Jesus will get weary of waiting and the inner voice of Truth will get laryngitis. ... Our indecision creates more problems than it solves. Indecision means we stop growing for an indeterminate length of time; we get stuck. With the paralysis of analysis, the human spirit begins to shrivel. The conscious awareness of our resistance to grace and the refusal to allow God's love to make us who we really are brings a sense of oppression. Our lives become fragmented, inconsistent, lacking in harmony and out of sync. The worm turns. The felt security of staying in a familiar place vanishes. We are caught between a rock and a hard place. How do we resolve this conundrum?
"We don't.
"We cannot will ourselves to accept grace. There are no magic words, preset formulas, or esoteric rites of passage. Only Jesus Christ sets us free from indecision. The Scriptures offer no other basis for conversion than the personal magnetism of the Master."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
Oh for grace to trust You more.
"...Most of us postpone a decision hoping that Jesus will get weary of waiting and the inner voice of Truth will get laryngitis. ... Our indecision creates more problems than it solves. Indecision means we stop growing for an indeterminate length of time; we get stuck. With the paralysis of analysis, the human spirit begins to shrivel. The conscious awareness of our resistance to grace and the refusal to allow God's love to make us who we really are brings a sense of oppression. Our lives become fragmented, inconsistent, lacking in harmony and out of sync. The worm turns. The felt security of staying in a familiar place vanishes. We are caught between a rock and a hard place. How do we resolve this conundrum?
"We don't.
"We cannot will ourselves to accept grace. There are no magic words, preset formulas, or esoteric rites of passage. Only Jesus Christ sets us free from indecision. The Scriptures offer no other basis for conversion than the personal magnetism of the Master."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
Oh for grace to trust You more.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
invite
Today is a rare, precious and beautiful day off in KeynoteLand. Let me catch you up!
This week presents a little bit of a shift in direction here. Our classes ended last week, and this week is totally devoted to all-day rehearsals with our bands. We've been running our show start-to-finish, focusing on everything from musical accuracy, to our stage presence, to the actual content of our verbal transitions and speaking parts. Keeping track of all that stuff at once is actual pretty tricky... but we've had a lot of help. Our team is PHENOM.
One week from today, June 7, is the day that my band rolls out of Westfield and heads south! We'll be hitting a variety of venues throughout Florida, North and South Carolina, and Georgia, but the vast majority of those shows will be in prisons. We have 19 tour dates lined up for the next few weeks... which is a ton, by the way, even for Keynote.
In the meantime, I'd like to invite you to Young Isaac's dress rehearsal on Monday, July 5, at 8:15 pm! The physical performance will be held at Keynote's East Street Studios facility, directions here. Not in the Indy area? No problem! The Keynote dress rehearsals will be streamed live over the Internet at keynote.org/sp/live. So either way, watch us!
Prayer requests:
- The hearts of our audiences, that God would begin to prepare them now for what they'll be hearing from us in a few weeks. We could play every note perfectly and speak every word with eloquence, but if the Spirit of God doesn't go before us... we're just making a lot of noise, when what we really want is for God to rock worlds. We live in the fascinating tension of working hard to perform well, but being completely dependent on Him to perform actual life change.
- Energy and alertness for my team and I, outside and in. Sure, our voices and fingers get tired from playing music, but the mental exhaustion is a little tougher to deal with. We're getting along famously at the moment, but as our schedule gets even busier, we're just gonna need an extra measure of grace to have love and patience with one another.
- ...me. God is starting to push a lot of stuff around in my heart, challenging old patterns of thought, and draw my heart to ministry. I begin to sense that this has some pretty big implications for life after Summer Project and even life after college, and while being extremely cool, it's a little scary. Pray that He would help me make sense of all this stuff swirling around in my mind.
Thanks for loving on me... I am definitely one lucky duck to get to do this. Grace and peace!
This week presents a little bit of a shift in direction here. Our classes ended last week, and this week is totally devoted to all-day rehearsals with our bands. We've been running our show start-to-finish, focusing on everything from musical accuracy, to our stage presence, to the actual content of our verbal transitions and speaking parts. Keeping track of all that stuff at once is actual pretty tricky... but we've had a lot of help. Our team is PHENOM.
One week from today, June 7, is the day that my band rolls out of Westfield and heads south! We'll be hitting a variety of venues throughout Florida, North and South Carolina, and Georgia, but the vast majority of those shows will be in prisons. We have 19 tour dates lined up for the next few weeks... which is a ton, by the way, even for Keynote.
In the meantime, I'd like to invite you to Young Isaac's dress rehearsal on Monday, July 5, at 8:15 pm! The physical performance will be held at Keynote's East Street Studios facility, directions here. Not in the Indy area? No problem! The Keynote dress rehearsals will be streamed live over the Internet at keynote.org/sp/live. So either way, watch us!
Prayer requests:
- The hearts of our audiences, that God would begin to prepare them now for what they'll be hearing from us in a few weeks. We could play every note perfectly and speak every word with eloquence, but if the Spirit of God doesn't go before us... we're just making a lot of noise, when what we really want is for God to rock worlds. We live in the fascinating tension of working hard to perform well, but being completely dependent on Him to perform actual life change.
- Energy and alertness for my team and I, outside and in. Sure, our voices and fingers get tired from playing music, but the mental exhaustion is a little tougher to deal with. We're getting along famously at the moment, but as our schedule gets even busier, we're just gonna need an extra measure of grace to have love and patience with one another.
- ...me. God is starting to push a lot of stuff around in my heart, challenging old patterns of thought, and draw my heart to ministry. I begin to sense that this has some pretty big implications for life after Summer Project and even life after college, and while being extremely cool, it's a little scary. Pray that He would help me make sense of all this stuff swirling around in my mind.
Thanks for loving on me... I am definitely one lucky duck to get to do this. Grace and peace!
Friday, June 18, 2010
a day in the life
okay, so i'm on what is about Day 11 or so of the Keynote summer project... with about zero blog posts to show for it. MY B! please believe me when i say that i have been kuh-RAZY busy. don't believe me? check out my day today. it's a pretty good representative of most of the days i've had here.
6:55 am || my alarm clock goes off. snooze is hit immediately.
7:00 am || i actually get up. commence hair-teasing, fake-up, and otherwise getting girl-ified for the day.
8:17 am || hannah, myself, and my overstuffed messenger bag make it down the stairs... okay, ELEVATOR... for a quick bite of breakfast.
8:39 am || i head out for keynote with some of the guys. arrive 15 minutes later.
9:10 am || i attend a quick meeting to train me in my band job - "Communication Liaison." essentially, a really glorious term for "Sender of E-mails." this means that, once my band [Young Isaac] hits the road, yours truly will be responsible for sending updates out to the rest of the project and Keynote HQ every 3-4 days. it sounds pretty dry, but i'm actually really excited about it. i get to semi-capture some of the really cool moments we experience as a band, and get to tell our stories! let's just hope i do a better job with this than with my blogging...
9:17 am || the meeting ends... very quickly. i grab my ipod and head out for a walk. a relatively rare moment of solitude.
10:35 am || we had another communication class, this one on the topic of voice. vocal inflection, tone, rate, volume, all that good stuff. we've had several of these kinds of classes, since one of Keynote's big goals is to make us all rockstar-league communicators by the end of the summer, ranging on topics from gestures, to movement, to eye contact, et cetera.
11:15 am || classes finish up a little early today, and we're released for lunch or whatever until 12:45. i hang in my band's rehearsal room, talking to bandmates, etc., and at some point realize that there are some things that i reeeally should practice before rehearsal starts. i grab my guitar and shut myself up in a smaller practice room for awhile, focusing on areas i'm not super confident about. since that encompasses MANY areas, i obviously don't get to all of them...
12:36 pm || i realize what time it is.
12:43 pm || i choke down a yogurt. lunch is definitely the most neglected meal these days.
12:45 pm || Comm Drill #7 starts. comm drills (short for communication drills... in case you weren't sure...) are designed to help us develop the communication skills they're teaching us in class (again, big shock, i'm sure). since we talked about voice today, for our drill, we had to read selections of books and be critiqued on our speaking. i had to read a section from a book i'd never heard of that had a lot of creepy crawlies in it. spiders and scorpions and centipedes and such. comm drills are really stop-and-go because of all the corrections our comm coaches make, so it took me about 6 1/2 minutes to get through the page. all of our drills are video-recorded and we have to watch them immediately afterward. it's a good way to learn, but i don't always like seeing myself on camera. and by "not always," i mean "pretty much never."
2:30 pm || rehearsal finally begins! today is a review day to go back over the 8 songs we learned this week. i was kind of frustrated cause i didn't feel like i was quite on my game, and i was also mad at myself for blowing out my voice at the end of practice. but. there were some good moments. oh, and did i mention that my band is SOLID? seriously, such a talented group of musicians. i feel so fortunate to get to play music with them... and they don't even throw rotten tomatoes at me or anything. (so obviously they're really patient, too!) i don't really wanna list ALL the songs we're doing, but we're doing stuff by peeps like Kris Allen, Matt Wertz, the Script, Kings of Leon, even Doobie Brothers. it's all a lot of fun. even when i feel like i'm having an off day, like today, rehearsal is definitely the highlight of most days here.
5:34 pm || we call it quits. natasha rubs my back. thank goodness. my left shoulder has been knotting up so bad, i think from my guitar. guess that's something i'll get used to as rehearsals get longer.
6:15 pm || dinnertime! baked potato bar. i sort of eat. haven't had much appetite lately. i think i'm just too excited about everything else going on, food is such an afterthought. i do get to eat with my brother though, which is pretty sweet. he's come in to run the camera for the online feed for the concert later tonight.
7:30 pm || Blue Sky Nine performs! they may be an "acoustic" band, but let me just say that they rock harder than most. and besides (obviously) being incredible musicians, they're pretty fabulous people. three of the five members are involved with my team, Young Isaac, in some capacity or another. i can't even express how freaking lucky/blessed/honored/excited i am to get to work with them. um, SO COOL! not something i take for granted.
9:30 pm || open mic ensues. we get everything from rap to songs to worship stuff to jerk culture... there is such a ridiculous amount of creativity on this project. the night ends with a little stevie wonder. rock and roll.
10:17 pm || finally leaving the keynote building, heading back to the hotel, bag and guitar in tow. i know it's friday night and i'm supposed to want to party or something, but i am pooped. so are a lot of the other kids on the project. it was a big week, and i know we're all relieved to get a little time off this weekend (at least for most of us).
10:33 pm || back at the homestead. good convos with lizzy and alesha, then hannah a little later.
11:40 pm || i take on the blog monster.
12:56 pm || i start to feel bad that i've been tip-tappiting away on my mac while my poor exhausted roommate is trying to sleep.
... so there it is, sports fans. THIS is why i haven't posted earlier. here you've got a decent idea of what my schedj is usually like... and how i'm doing personally? well, cliffnotes version... 1] i'm having the best time ever, 2] god is starting to challenge me, not only with project stuff, but with some old lies i've been hanging on to... which isn't easy... but is certainly good. i can feel i'm growing. which is always a little uncomfortable... but it is what i want. and a big part of why i'm here.
1:05 am || i call it quits. good night!
6:55 am || my alarm clock goes off. snooze is hit immediately.
7:00 am || i actually get up. commence hair-teasing, fake-up, and otherwise getting girl-ified for the day.
8:17 am || hannah, myself, and my overstuffed messenger bag make it down the stairs... okay, ELEVATOR... for a quick bite of breakfast.
8:39 am || i head out for keynote with some of the guys. arrive 15 minutes later.
9:10 am || i attend a quick meeting to train me in my band job - "Communication Liaison." essentially, a really glorious term for "Sender of E-mails." this means that, once my band [Young Isaac] hits the road, yours truly will be responsible for sending updates out to the rest of the project and Keynote HQ every 3-4 days. it sounds pretty dry, but i'm actually really excited about it. i get to semi-capture some of the really cool moments we experience as a band, and get to tell our stories! let's just hope i do a better job with this than with my blogging...
9:17 am || the meeting ends... very quickly. i grab my ipod and head out for a walk. a relatively rare moment of solitude.
10:35 am || we had another communication class, this one on the topic of voice. vocal inflection, tone, rate, volume, all that good stuff. we've had several of these kinds of classes, since one of Keynote's big goals is to make us all rockstar-league communicators by the end of the summer, ranging on topics from gestures, to movement, to eye contact, et cetera.
11:15 am || classes finish up a little early today, and we're released for lunch or whatever until 12:45. i hang in my band's rehearsal room, talking to bandmates, etc., and at some point realize that there are some things that i reeeally should practice before rehearsal starts. i grab my guitar and shut myself up in a smaller practice room for awhile, focusing on areas i'm not super confident about. since that encompasses MANY areas, i obviously don't get to all of them...
12:36 pm || i realize what time it is.
12:43 pm || i choke down a yogurt. lunch is definitely the most neglected meal these days.
12:45 pm || Comm Drill #7 starts. comm drills (short for communication drills... in case you weren't sure...) are designed to help us develop the communication skills they're teaching us in class (again, big shock, i'm sure). since we talked about voice today, for our drill, we had to read selections of books and be critiqued on our speaking. i had to read a section from a book i'd never heard of that had a lot of creepy crawlies in it. spiders and scorpions and centipedes and such. comm drills are really stop-and-go because of all the corrections our comm coaches make, so it took me about 6 1/2 minutes to get through the page. all of our drills are video-recorded and we have to watch them immediately afterward. it's a good way to learn, but i don't always like seeing myself on camera. and by "not always," i mean "pretty much never."
2:30 pm || rehearsal finally begins! today is a review day to go back over the 8 songs we learned this week. i was kind of frustrated cause i didn't feel like i was quite on my game, and i was also mad at myself for blowing out my voice at the end of practice. but. there were some good moments. oh, and did i mention that my band is SOLID? seriously, such a talented group of musicians. i feel so fortunate to get to play music with them... and they don't even throw rotten tomatoes at me or anything. (so obviously they're really patient, too!) i don't really wanna list ALL the songs we're doing, but we're doing stuff by peeps like Kris Allen, Matt Wertz, the Script, Kings of Leon, even Doobie Brothers. it's all a lot of fun. even when i feel like i'm having an off day, like today, rehearsal is definitely the highlight of most days here.
5:34 pm || we call it quits. natasha rubs my back. thank goodness. my left shoulder has been knotting up so bad, i think from my guitar. guess that's something i'll get used to as rehearsals get longer.
6:15 pm || dinnertime! baked potato bar. i sort of eat. haven't had much appetite lately. i think i'm just too excited about everything else going on, food is such an afterthought. i do get to eat with my brother though, which is pretty sweet. he's come in to run the camera for the online feed for the concert later tonight.
7:30 pm || Blue Sky Nine performs! they may be an "acoustic" band, but let me just say that they rock harder than most. and besides (obviously) being incredible musicians, they're pretty fabulous people. three of the five members are involved with my team, Young Isaac, in some capacity or another. i can't even express how freaking lucky/blessed/honored/excited i am to get to work with them. um, SO COOL! not something i take for granted.
9:30 pm || open mic ensues. we get everything from rap to songs to worship stuff to jerk culture... there is such a ridiculous amount of creativity on this project. the night ends with a little stevie wonder. rock and roll.
10:17 pm || finally leaving the keynote building, heading back to the hotel, bag and guitar in tow. i know it's friday night and i'm supposed to want to party or something, but i am pooped. so are a lot of the other kids on the project. it was a big week, and i know we're all relieved to get a little time off this weekend (at least for most of us).
10:33 pm || back at the homestead. good convos with lizzy and alesha, then hannah a little later.
11:40 pm || i take on the blog monster.
12:56 pm || i start to feel bad that i've been tip-tappiting away on my mac while my poor exhausted roommate is trying to sleep.
... so there it is, sports fans. THIS is why i haven't posted earlier. here you've got a decent idea of what my schedj is usually like... and how i'm doing personally? well, cliffnotes version... 1] i'm having the best time ever, 2] god is starting to challenge me, not only with project stuff, but with some old lies i've been hanging on to... which isn't easy... but is certainly good. i can feel i'm growing. which is always a little uncomfortable... but it is what i want. and a big part of why i'm here.
1:05 am || i call it quits. good night!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
already here
i just finished up playing keys for the weekend services in GraceMain, and have a little under 3 hours before i have to leave to go lead on acoustic at Access... and writing a new post sounds like more fun than packing.
tomorrow is the first day of project. it's been really odd, reading all the Twitter and FaceBook status updates from my fellow project students as they make their way to Westfield, Indiana. some of their travels have been pleasant... some less so. and i guess i'm the freak of the group that's already here. i'm really struggling to get into the mindset that something completely different is happening tomorrow... that i'm not leaving town, but i might as well be.
i always have loved road trips. especially now that i don't get (as) carsick as i did as a kid! and i've been on a LOT of them... i've really been touring with Summer Project bands since toddlership. but i think there is some kind of important mental transition that occurs over the course of a physical journey. something about picking up your suitcase, your body, your guitar, and moving it to another location, helps clear your mind in preparation for encountering new places and new people. and it helps you to let go of the place you're leaving. frankly, i'm a little jealous of my (future) friends who are coming long distances to get to Keynote. i want the interstates. the bathroom breaks at sketchy truck stops. the Mountain Dew and HoHos. the endless cornfields. the frustrating trip catastrophes. i want to give my brain space to BREATHE, to drop the mindset of my Westfield activities and friends, and open my hands to pick up something new.
maybe a few laps around 465 would do it... or maybe i'm being seriously ungrateful that my road trip is only 15 minutes. either way, i, like the rest of my team this summer, need god to move in my heart and mind, to let go of my comfort and rest and embrace new challenges and new friends, so that i can grow and change and become more of who He's meant me to be. and before that transition occurs, i've been given the incredible gift, the opportunity to meet with my dear friends tonight at Access and get to play music... only a couple of my favorite things ever. it's clear that God is gracious and will meet ALL my needs, physical and mental, wherever i am!
...whether i'm in Westfield, or Westfield.
tomorrow is the first day of project. it's been really odd, reading all the Twitter and FaceBook status updates from my fellow project students as they make their way to Westfield, Indiana. some of their travels have been pleasant... some less so. and i guess i'm the freak of the group that's already here. i'm really struggling to get into the mindset that something completely different is happening tomorrow... that i'm not leaving town, but i might as well be.
i always have loved road trips. especially now that i don't get (as) carsick as i did as a kid! and i've been on a LOT of them... i've really been touring with Summer Project bands since toddlership. but i think there is some kind of important mental transition that occurs over the course of a physical journey. something about picking up your suitcase, your body, your guitar, and moving it to another location, helps clear your mind in preparation for encountering new places and new people. and it helps you to let go of the place you're leaving. frankly, i'm a little jealous of my (future) friends who are coming long distances to get to Keynote. i want the interstates. the bathroom breaks at sketchy truck stops. the Mountain Dew and HoHos. the endless cornfields. the frustrating trip catastrophes. i want to give my brain space to BREATHE, to drop the mindset of my Westfield activities and friends, and open my hands to pick up something new.
maybe a few laps around 465 would do it... or maybe i'm being seriously ungrateful that my road trip is only 15 minutes. either way, i, like the rest of my team this summer, need god to move in my heart and mind, to let go of my comfort and rest and embrace new challenges and new friends, so that i can grow and change and become more of who He's meant me to be. and before that transition occurs, i've been given the incredible gift, the opportunity to meet with my dear friends tonight at Access and get to play music... only a couple of my favorite things ever. it's clear that God is gracious and will meet ALL my needs, physical and mental, wherever i am!
...whether i'm in Westfield, or Westfield.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
go and tell
all right, so the reason i started this blog in the first place... my summer project with keynote is rapidly approaching! six days from now, i'll be checking into the marriott extended stay and meeting the people i'll be spending the next seven weeks with. i'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now about that. first, obviously, i'm incredibly excited. like, i get to spend the summer playing music and talking about the ways jesus has rocked my life. uh, OKAY! ... and that is really the dominating emotion. my less-excited feelings have to do with my own insecurities, i guess we could call them. financially, musically, spiritually.
on the whole, support raising has been good. definitely stretching. and sometimes i feel like god is playing with me a little. like, not hearing anything for a week, then getting a big check in the mail. what the heck? i have been able to raise all but $575. which obviously leaves something to be desired. and i hate heckling people for money. but i'm gonna write a few more notes this week and see how i'm surprised next. so... if you or anyone you know would like to help me out, let me know...
musically? well, besides the half-fear that people will figure out that i can't ACTUALLY play guitar that well, i guess i'm concerned about needing to learn 11 songs in the next 6 days (yep, only 4 down). but that's on me. ironically (yet fittingly) i'll be playing a LOT of music this weekend... doing worship in both gracemain and access this weekend. i should probably be stressed out that i'll be busy the whole weekend before project, but i'm actually pretty into it. i'm excited that i get a chance to lead once before leaving.
spiritually has been the hardest part. and i don't really know how to voice it. since i'm embarking on such a cool project that is ENTIRELY about spirituality, i thought i would just be in a better place coming into it. but honestly, i'm not. you might call it a dry spell. and i've been nagging god asking why. and i'm getting the sense that it just has a lot to do with a lot of shame that i'm carrying around. i've done a lot of stuff i'm not proud of in the last few years in particular, and rather than feeling better with all the passing time, i just keep feeling like more of a failure. put that clearly... it's easy to see how that could come between me and god. the bible tells me that he is faithful to forgive when we confess, which i have done to him and others, and that nothing, nothing could come between me and his love for me. so what i'm working through is how to forgive myself. but. i trust him. he's brought me through so much... this too will pass.
but really, the same events that caused this shame are the ones that propelled me on this project. i was IN DEEP, my friends, in really destructive cycles. god's brought me out of so much... my self-medicating with physical pain. a destructive relationship that left me beyond wrung out and broken. a five-year season of dark depression. as i was reflecting on this last fall, i felt god stir in my heart and tell me, almost clearly, "go and tell what i have done for you." and when god talks to you like that, the only answer is yes. that, combined with a lot of other small experiences and leadings, got me to the place i'm at today: ready to "leave" for project so soon.
so... i guess this reads like a kind of inventory of myself. a status update. (the REAL kind, not like facebook.) where i'm going, where i've been, my feelings, my doubts, my excitement, and my purpose. it's that feeling of purpose that has permeated this entire process. something great is in store for this summer. i can't tell you what it is; no one has told me yet. but. i can't wait to see what happens. wish me luck as the adventure begins! send your prayers. great adventures are in store!
oh, and if you have $575, let's talk.
on the whole, support raising has been good. definitely stretching. and sometimes i feel like god is playing with me a little. like, not hearing anything for a week, then getting a big check in the mail. what the heck? i have been able to raise all but $575. which obviously leaves something to be desired. and i hate heckling people for money. but i'm gonna write a few more notes this week and see how i'm surprised next. so... if you or anyone you know would like to help me out, let me know...
musically? well, besides the half-fear that people will figure out that i can't ACTUALLY play guitar that well, i guess i'm concerned about needing to learn 11 songs in the next 6 days (yep, only 4 down). but that's on me. ironically (yet fittingly) i'll be playing a LOT of music this weekend... doing worship in both gracemain and access this weekend. i should probably be stressed out that i'll be busy the whole weekend before project, but i'm actually pretty into it. i'm excited that i get a chance to lead once before leaving.
spiritually has been the hardest part. and i don't really know how to voice it. since i'm embarking on such a cool project that is ENTIRELY about spirituality, i thought i would just be in a better place coming into it. but honestly, i'm not. you might call it a dry spell. and i've been nagging god asking why. and i'm getting the sense that it just has a lot to do with a lot of shame that i'm carrying around. i've done a lot of stuff i'm not proud of in the last few years in particular, and rather than feeling better with all the passing time, i just keep feeling like more of a failure. put that clearly... it's easy to see how that could come between me and god. the bible tells me that he is faithful to forgive when we confess, which i have done to him and others, and that nothing, nothing could come between me and his love for me. so what i'm working through is how to forgive myself. but. i trust him. he's brought me through so much... this too will pass.
but really, the same events that caused this shame are the ones that propelled me on this project. i was IN DEEP, my friends, in really destructive cycles. god's brought me out of so much... my self-medicating with physical pain. a destructive relationship that left me beyond wrung out and broken. a five-year season of dark depression. as i was reflecting on this last fall, i felt god stir in my heart and tell me, almost clearly, "go and tell what i have done for you." and when god talks to you like that, the only answer is yes. that, combined with a lot of other small experiences and leadings, got me to the place i'm at today: ready to "leave" for project so soon.
so... i guess this reads like a kind of inventory of myself. a status update. (the REAL kind, not like facebook.) where i'm going, where i've been, my feelings, my doubts, my excitement, and my purpose. it's that feeling of purpose that has permeated this entire process. something great is in store for this summer. i can't tell you what it is; no one has told me yet. but. i can't wait to see what happens. wish me luck as the adventure begins! send your prayers. great adventures are in store!
oh, and if you have $575, let's talk.
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